The Infidel's Guide to the Middle EastSection III: The Sunny and Shitty Sides of Islam

Or, WHY ARABS HATE EACH OTHER

Islam is unique from all other religions in that it is based on the teachings of one charismatic figure who proclaimed himself divine and whose teachings are documented in a “holy” book. Modern Islamic practice is divided between two opposing groups, not unlike the Protestant and Lutheran factions within Christianity, or the Buddhist and Confucist factions within Judaism. Of the Muslims, 83% are Sunni (“Soo(1)-nee”) and 15% are Shi’ite (“Shee-ight”). The other 2% are… well, who cares?

The fundamental difference between the Sunnis and the Shi’ites is the way in which they believe their leaders should be chosen. Sunnis believe that the their leader should be elected by a council—as did the first Americans—while Shi’ites believe the title should be passed down by bloodline—as do modern Americans—stemming from Muhammad himself.

Consequently, each group followed their own leaders since Muhammad’s death. The Sunnis followed their Caliph, which is the same thing as a sultan, which is like a king and a pope all in one. (Since Sunnis were the vast majority, the Caliphs got to lead everybody, not just Sunnis.) The most well known example of a Caliph is the Sultan from Disney’s Aladdin. That short, fat, simple-minded-but-with-a-good-heart Caucasian represented what, undoubtedly, all Caliphs must have been like.(2)

The Shi’ites, on the other hand, followed Imams, of which there were twelve. The last Imam mysteriously disappeared in the year 874, but legend has it that he will return at the end of the world with his sidekick, Jesus,(3) to promote Islam to the dying.

Again, Jesus will return at the end of the world to promote Islam.

Another more titillating, or sexier, difference between the two sects is their views on the act of Mut’ah. Mut’ah (“marriage for pleasure”) is a temporary marriage with a pre-decided duration. No priests or witnesses need to be present, and since the expiration is fixed, no divorce procedures are necessary. Basically, the Shi’ites use Mut’ah whenever they want to have a one-night stand, to the point where one can temporarily marry a hooker with Allah’s blessing. (In their defense, it is also used in platonic situations—such as when a man and woman live together, so that the woman may dress freely; in Islamic law, women are not allowed to show a certain amount of skin, determined by the region, except around their husbands.) The Sunnis have banned Mut’ah because they hate fun.

Now, it is in no way important to know which notable factions in the Middle East belong to which sect, as most U.S. politicians don’t know. However, since it is contemptible to have the intelligence of a U.S. politician, I will do you this favor. Osama bin Laden and the al-Qaeda are Sunni. The Taliban is hardcore Sunni; under their rule, if a woman had her nails painted they would cut off her fingers, as the Qur’an mentioned somewhere in passing something about “dressing modestly.”(4) Saddam Hussein was Sunni—although, from the looks of it, he wasn’t the most practiced mosque-goer—yet most of Iraq is Shi’ite. The Hezbollah of Lebanon are Shi’ite, but hate the Jews with a passion that transcends religious sectionalism. And finally, Iran is, like, Shi’ite central.

I would also like to note here—because it doesn’t really fit in anywhere else—that Iran used to be the Persian Empire.(5)

Come back tomorrow when we will discuss America's role in the Middle East!

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(1) Rhymes with “zoo.”
(2) Disney’s Aladdin is the most in-depth and historically accurate account of Arabian history and should be referenced often.
(3) On the advice of his agent, Jesus made a cameo appearance in the Qur’an as a lowly prophet preparing the way for Muhammad.
(4) I wish that were a joke.
(5) Isn’t that cool!

The Infidel's Guide to the Middle EastSection II: Zionism Is More Than Just a Cool Word

Or, WHY ARABS HATE THE JEWS

The two biggest fads of the late 1800's were, in no particular order, bowler hats and anti-Semitism. Some people, specifically the Jews, had a slight problem with this. In 1896, journalist Theodor Herzl offered a solution in his book Der Judenstaat. Written in the long-dead language of German, Der Judenstaat gave a name to an idea that had been around for centuries: the idea that the Jews should occupy their own nation. In his boring book, Herzl suggested the Jews migrate to Palestine, their historic home. He named this movement “Zionism,” after Mount Zion, near Jerusalem. Before Herzl, the idea had been known simply as “Ism.”(1)

Peer pressure also played a large part in early Zionism. This was the era of nationalism, when all the cool, popular ethnic groups were forming their own countries. But the Jews, more than others, needed a homeland for themselves. They were tired of being scattered around the globe, hated by others; they yearned to be unified in a land of their own, where they could be hated together.

However, immigration occurred slowly and in small spurts; in the early part of the 20th century, the presence of Jews in Palestine was still minimal. Just when it looked like the Zionist movement would never take off, in an amazing stroke of luck, the Holocaust occurred. First, the Holocaust flooded Palestine with skin-and-bones immigrants, ready to till the farmland and lift heavy things to help build the community. Second, it raised a worldwide sympathy for the Zionist cause. The nations of the world couldn’t wait to throw their support behind the Zionists, even if only as a polite gesture to say “We won’t commit you into labor camps before suffocating you in gas chambers.”

By this point, Britain was exhausted. Due to the strain of fighting World War II, coupled with the stress of managing their over-extended empire, the United Kingdom was up to two packs a day. In May of 1948, they relinquished their rule over the Middle East in a famous UN speech entitled “Fuck It.” That same day the Jews declared their independence, the goal of Zionism was accomplished, and Israel was created.

Boy oh boy, the Arabs didn’t like that one bit.

Now that the Jews had their own nation, they could have their first war. All they had to do to survive as a nation was defeat the allied forces of Egypt, Syria, Jordan, Lebanon, Saudi Arabia, Iraq, Yemen, the Arab Liberation Army, and the Holy War Army while maintaining enough domestic stability and security to nurture their newborn country, not yet a week old. The Arabs were armed with fiery passion, brotherly unity, and the love of Allah, while all the Jews had to defend themselves were millions and millions of dollars worth of donated modern weaponry. When the third and lasting ceasefire was signed in February of 1949, Israel had grown 43% in size, proving once again that the gun is mightier than the Jihad.(2)

The Arabs still didn’t like them.

For the next few years, things weren’t horribly violent. Then, in 1952, Gamal Abdel Nasser headed a successful non-violent revolution right next door in Egypt, toppling the feudal monarchy for a democracy of the people. Two years later, he won the presidency, having been elected by Isis, Goddess of the Nile. Throughout his career, Nasser would become a distinguished man-of-the-people and an icon of Pan-Arabism, the movement for a unified Middle East. Through his diplomacy and acts of faith, he inspired the hearts of millions and secured their right to dream, earning him a legacy that would grow to the point of legend. He also had a funny mustache.

Nasser and his mustache organized an Arab alliance against Israel. He signed a mutual protection pact first with Syria, and then with Jordan, in case Israel attacked. Then, he politely expelled UN peacekeeping troops stationed in the Sinai Peninsula -- between Israel and Egypt -- so that he could station his own troops there, in case Israel attacked. Then Syria started shelling innocent Israeli farmers next to their border, in case Israel attacked. Finally, Israel had no choice but to attack.

No one knows how long the Six-Day War lasted, although it is known that it started on June 5, 1967, and lasted for six days. Using the element of surprise, Israel launched a simultaneous, three-pronged attack into Egypt, Syria, and Jordan, catching them with their dresses down. The Sinai Peninsula, Gaza Strip, West Bank, and Golan Heights were all conquered within a week. Nasser shrugged, put his hands in his pockets, and whistled as he slowly walked away.

Well, that pretty much covers the entire Arab-Israeli Conflict.(3), (4), (5), (6), (7), (8), (9), (10), (11)

But before we end this section, you’re probably wondering just who the fuck Yassir Arafat is. Well, soon after the Six-Day War, a young man in a checkered headdress named Yassir Arafat was elected leader of the Palestinian Liberation Organization (P.L.O.) because of his known guerilla terrorist tactics. The P.L.O. was created only a few years earlier in 1964 to defend the rights of the Palestinians and to hate the Jews in a more organized and efficient manner. Arafat was elected because of his known guerrilla terrorist tactics.

Once in power, Arafat immediately guerrilla’d the shit out of Israel from across the Jordan border (where the Palestinian refugees had gone after the war). King Hussein of Jordan soon got sick of the Palestinians, much like a parent gets sick of their child’s obnoxious friend, the one who spends every single afternoon in their house. Jordan, too, then exiled the Palestinians. The P.L.O. then moved to Southern Lebanon, where they fucked shit up there, too, and also played an important role in Lebanon’s upcoming civil war. But that is a topic for another blog.

Come back tomorrow when we will discuss the two major sects of Islam!


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(1) Herzl wrote another, less-famous book about the late 1800s, titled Der Bowlerhaat.
(2) Jihad is the struggle for or defense of Islam, as seen in the sentence: “Man, Arabs use the word Jihad a lot.”
(3) Excluding the 1967 War of Attrition.
(4) Oh, and except for the Suez Canal Crisis.
(5) Of course, there was Yom-Kippur War.
(6) The tension between Israel in Southern Lebanon during the late 70s was pretty important.
(7) … Oh yeah, the Lebanon war following that tension.
(8) How could I forget the Hezbollah conflicts of the 80s.
(9) Did I mention the First Intifada?
(10) I know I mentioned the Second Intifada.
(11) Wait a minute. Didn’t something happen with Israel last summer?

The Infidel's Guide to the Middle EastSection I: Look What World War I Shat Out -- The Origin of the Modern Middle East

Or, WHY ARABS HATE WESTERN CIVILIZATION

“Arab.” The word sends shivers down your spine and bile up your throat. But how much do you really know about your bearded brothers and veiled sisters to the East? You know that they love hummus, they love Allah, and they love hating America; but do you know the difference between a Sunni and a Shi’ite? Can you locate Lebanon on a map? Do you know if Yemen is a city or a country?

It’s okay if you don’t. Just by reading that first paragraph, you already know more about the Middle East than the average American. Besides, that’s what this blog is all about: knowing more than other people so that you sound smart at parties.

“But Matt,” you might say, “I don’t need to know anything about Arabs in order to hate them.” And that’s a fine attitude to have. Blind hatred is always a healthy and reliable mindset to live by. Sadly, sooner or later you’ll meet some asshole who will bring up all the injustices the Arabs suffered and how their poor and dysfunctional status has been caused by Western imperialism and blah, blah, blah. And what will you say then? You will need evidence to support your opinions; knowledge to turn your crass ignorance into an educated and well-rounded racial prejudice.

“But Matt,” you might interject, though I wish you wouldn’t, “thanks to the internet, I have access to thousands of essays written by specialists, professors, and plenty of other people who generally know more about the Middle East than you. Why shouldn’t I read those, instead?” Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go ahead and read those smarty-pants articles, with their actual facts backed by cited references. But I guarantee you that none of them will use the F-word.(1)

From the early 1500s until World War I, Arabia was the footrest of the Ottoman Empire. The Ottoman rule was so oppressive that, had they been around at the time, they probably would have called the Nazis “pussies,” but would say their hearts had been in the right place. About half a millennium passed while the Ottomans could think of no better way to pass the time than genocide, hunting intellectuals, and bocce ball (the Ottomans loved their bocce ball). Luckily for everyone except millions and millions of dead soldiers, World War I broke out.

The Turks, as the Ottomans now like to call themselves, or the Turkeys, as I like to call them, were at war with the British. For completely selfless reasons in no way relating to Egypt’s Suez Canal, the British opened a campaign to liberate Arabia, particularly the Egyptian region surrounding the Suez Canal. They enlisted the help of Sharif Hussein bin Ali, leader of the Arab resistance,(2) and granted him money, guns, and the film rights to Lawrence of Arabia. Also in exchange for Arabian help, the British made an unofficial promise—the best kind of promise—that, if they were to win the war, then Britain would support an independent Arab nation including most of the tribes of the Middle East.

As soon as the Arabs discovered which side of a gun to point away from themselves, and that those magic flying djinnis were actually just airplanes, they coordinated their efforts with the British and pushed the Turkeys out of Arabia. As a strange coincidence, around this same time the Turkeys decided that having the largest empire in the world was not, in fact, all that great, and opted instead for a reasonable amount of land where they could be almost, but not quite, European.

So, everyone was happy, especially the British, because they never had any intention of giving the Arabs their own country. Actually, Britain had made a secret agreement with France in which they devised a plan to split the Middle East between them. France would get the northern part and Britain would get the south. When deciding how officially to classify these territories, they chose the word protectorates, because bitches was not PC. This covert arrangement was called the Sykes-Picot Agreement, because the Arabs were to be “Syked” out of their own country.

Eventually, the Sykes-Picot Agreement developed so that Russia, a fellow ally in the war, could get some of that sweet, sweet Arabian land. However, after the 1917 Russian Revolution, no one wanted to give Communists anything, so their share of the territory was denied to them (“Syke Out!”). This chain of events led Vladimir Lenin, who never could take a joke, to release confidential papers outlining the plan; thus beginning the time-honored Arabian tradition of not trusting Whitey.

Not that it mattered much to Britain and France. They both had a dream of creating a region of chaos and turmoil right smack in the middle of the world; and they wouldn't let millions of pissed-off Arabs tell them otherwise. Some dreams are just worth fighting for.

Come back tomorrow when we will discuss Jews in the Middle East!

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(1.) "Fuck."
(2.) Sharif Hussein’s resistance movement began when he proclaimed himself king of the Hejaz area of Saudi Arabia. Following the success of this self-appointed position, he then proclaimed himself Caliph, leader of all Muslims, and Sexiest Man Alive. People magazine later contended this last claim.