27 June 2006

What The World Needs Now Is Love, Sweet Love (CS)

One of my grandmother's heroes is in trouble yet again. With the disarray that the Republican party is in, that could be anyone, so let me clarify... Rush Limbaugh was recently detained for carrying a bottle of Viagra that was not prescribed for him (though he fully admits that they were for his use). Normally I'd read this article, have a bit of a guffaw at the "big, fat idiot's" expense and move on. But reading this article got me to thinking about the Republican/Right Wing's sex life. It's a dangerous topic, I know, littered with the potential for imagery that an active mind might have a surprisingly difficult time banishing from the imagination. By all means, I'll try not to get too graphic here, but I would still advise putting off reading this post until well after lunch.

That being said..... I mean c'mon, can you imagine any of these people sensible Americans (and citizens of the world) revile actually having sex? Limbaugh? Cheney? Rove? Bush? Would it be any surprise for you to learn that sex is an awkward and difficult (or even entirely forgotten) area of their lives?

It's no secret that the Republican party has problems with sex. They persecute it every chance they get. It is not just homosexual sex, either. Dan Savage, writer for the sex column Savage Love, has been chronicaling the Right Wing's war on heterosexual sex as well. The outcry over sex on television is always 100 times worse than any outcry over violence in the same medium. Birth control is considered a product of the devil. Etc, etc...

This is not to say that the Republicans are prudes. If the GOP should happen to come through your city, expect the underground sex industry to be booming while the so called social conservatives spend their days there. While many leftists protested the national convention in New York two summers ago, I know there were many a satisfied dominatrix and dungeon. But of course, they keep this a secret (just like Limbaugh said his pills were supposed to be, and thus not prescribed specifically to him). It's embarrassing to them. They just seem to need a little extra something, whatever that may be to... well... Get it up. With so much difficulty having sex of their own, it only makes sense that they would be jealous and try to make things difficult for the rest of us as well.

And all of a sudden, the war in Iraq and the general White House administration tendency to be aggressive assholes starts to make a whole lot more sense. The imagery of 9/11, strong erect buildings crumpling into piles of uselessness, carried a symbolism that probably hit a bit too close to home to many commanding power in the White House and on Capitol Hill. Being inadequate in one area of their lives, they've gone for a power grab in another to bolster their confidence. To put it bluntly, they needed to get their war on in order to more easily get their hard on.
Perhaps we should start an initiative to help these people out. Assure them that those freaky tendencies they hide behind closed doors are (in most cases) actually okay. Go ahead, let Mr. Limbaugh keep his Viagra... in fact, let's get some little blue pills to more people on the Right. With more time spent "loving" perhaps they'll have less time for all that hate.

02 June 2006

Who's Got The Biggest Balls of Them All? (CS)

There's been a lot of pissed off talk in my town lately about New York and Washington DC getting their anti-terrorism funding cut to levels below places like Utah, Hawaii, etc. Many have pointed out that what might have been important federal money used to stop terrorism has now become just general pork.
To try and excuse themselves from the incoming hate, Homeland Security has let fly with the idiotic excuses, including saying that New York got its funding cut because it has no high visibility national monuments or icons worth protecting.

Guys, please. Enough with the bullshit. I'd just like to say.... I understand! It's totally cool. Seriously, you don't have to make anymore stupid lies to excuse yourselves. Sure, us New Yorkers were attacked with the single most devastating and world changing act of terrorism in the history of mankind, but by the very virtue of being New Yorkers, we can handle it. We are tough bastards. And we aren't afraid. Remember all that talk about "not letting the terrorists win"? See, we actually try to prescribe to that and not live our lives in daily fear and would really rather our civil rights not compromised in exchange for "security."
I don't think DC should be that worried either. Even before the events of 9/11 and even excluding this federal terrorist prevention money, DC should be the most well protected place in the nation. How does a plane get flown into the Pentagon (the most well protected building) in the most well protected city in one of the most well protected nations on Earth, you ask? HAD to be a once in a iceage fluke.... Although it does hint at either some sort of crazy conspiracy inside job or at the very least the most appalling case of gross negligence and incompetence ever seen in this country....
But I'm sorry... I'm straying from my point.... And probably making people in the District nervous.

What I mean to say is, Go Ahead... Give all our tax money that might have gone towards protecting us to middle/southern/middle of nowhere America instead... The people that apparently ARE deathly afraid of terrorism and willing to compromise the country's ideals. It can be like their own green-tinted security blanket!

So sleep well, your corn fields and giant ball of twine will not fall to jihad! The painted dessert will remain... ummm... desolate! Hawaii's volcanoes will not be harmed. The Great Salt Lake will not be poisoned! Though I guess it doesn't serve as drinking water anyway... but ummmm.... yeah! Don't worry rest of America, the people of DC and New York are willing to be brave FOR you! We've got enough balls to go around. Of course, we would prefer that this money go towards alleviating poverty, improving education, helping the environment.... But hey, we can save that discussion for another time when you're comfortable enough to come out from hiding in your bomb shelters.