The Infidel's Guide to the Middle EastSection IV: America Saves The Day (For Americans)

Or, WHY ARABS ESPECIALLY HATE AMERICA

The 1920s and 30s were a very special time for the Middle East. It was a time of very special changes: when the young nations entered adulthood, and—thanks to technological advances—for the first time noticed their blossoming oil reserves. However, the older, more mature nations only noticed the countries with the biggest oil reserves, and those with small cans (of petroleum or crude oil) were often ignored except by other undesirable countries.

America, too, was going through changes of its own. For the first time, he noticed an inexplicable urge to seize those oil reserves—to grab them in his hand and squeeze. He tried all the old tricks to get on the ladies’ good sides: flattering them, making excuses to hang out with them, officially recognizing their governments. But he didn’t make any real progress until he started spending money on them. No courtship comes cheap, and America soon realized that F-4 Phantom Jets go a hell of a lot farther than flowers and chocolates.

Now America only spent money on the girls with the biggest oil reserves (you could say that America is an “oil” kind-of-guy). He was usually seen around Saudi Arabia, who is known for exporting more oil than any other country, the slut, and Kuwait, who had very nice reserves, which only looked bigger due to her small size. All the other countries: please! America didn’t have time for countries with itty-bitty-oil-productivity.

That is, except for Israel.

Israel is a material girl, living in an African-Eurasian world. She is appeasing, loyal, and generous; but only after she gets what she wants. Israel has always been America’s girl on the inside, which is why she receives more U.S. financial aid than any other country in the world. If one of America’s Arabian ladies gets out of hand, Israel is right there to bitch-slap her. She loves a good catfight, particularly because it gives her the chance to show off her expensive designer military. She’s so good at being America’s insider, that sometimes she’ll start a fight without America telling her to. Sure, America will publicly condemn these actions in the UN locker-room, but he has yet to cut her funding. Wha-Chish! Wha-Chish! That’s the sound of the pussy whip.

Now, every trashy, chauvinistic boyfriend knows the best way to keep his girlfriend(s) in line is by bringing down their own self-worth until they are wholly dependent on him. Which brings us to America’s foreign policy for the Middle East. By funding primitive and often corrupt forms of governments, America ensures that none of his ladies “wise up” to realize that they can do better. Saudi Arabia, Jordan, Kuwait, and other forgettable countries are still run by monarchies. Monarchies! It’s like, hello, 1100 A.D. called, they want their form of government back. As if.

Now, since I enjoy thinking of Middle Eastern countries as women,(1) let’s call Iran the girl-that-got-away. It all started in 1941, when the Allies, out of the kindness of their hearts, chose the next Iranian Shah, or king, so that the people wouldn’t have to. The Allies chose Mohammad Reza Pahlavi, the son of the former Shah whom they kicked out because his Axis sympathies. However, their generosity only went so far, and ten years later the people lamented having to vote themselves for a new prime minister (the position of Shah, on the other hand, was a gig for life). So the Iranian people, who had no choice in their head ruler, elected as their prime minister a man named Muhammed Mossadegh.

Mossadegh was a wild and crazy guy with lots of wacky ideas about how Iran would be better off if it was self-sufficient and not under the thumb of the Western powers (what a character!). As head of the Majlis—the Iranian parliament—Mossadegh nationalized (or un-internationalized) the oil industry, opposed foreign aid, and flat-out refused to talk to Great Britain. And to whom do you think Great Britain went to complain? “Oh, America, Iran won’t talk to us. Waa! Waa! They want us to pay for our oil! Boo hoo…” America knew it had to intervene, if for no other reason than to shut Britain up, but they couldn’t just immediately resort to violence. They needed to do this intelligently; luckily, they had an agency for that.

In 1953, the CIA worked alongside a British intelligence agency—the one from the Bond movies, no doubt—to launch Operation Ajax. Operation Ajax entailed the hiring of a literal army of Iranians to revolt on the streets of Tehran, Iran’s capital. The goal was to depose a democratically elected official so that more power could be given to an authoritarian monarch, our gift to Iran topped with a red, white, and blue bow. 300 Iranians died, and Mossadegh was arrested. He spent three years in prison and was then sentenced to a lifetime of house arrest. This sounds worse than it was, as Mossadegh’s house was the size of Texas.

But Iran would have her revenge, oh yes. Revenge in the form of an old man in a dress.

Come back tomorrow for the conclusion of America in the Middle East!

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(1) When I am alone in my bed at night.